If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say

Talk in your sleep.

 

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler.
Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

 
Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.
The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks."
The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks"
and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run because she has a grenade in her mouth.

 

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver and says, "You failed to stop at the red light. Let me see your driver's licence." The blonde asks, "What does that look like?" The blonde cop answers, "It is rectangular and has your picture on it." The blonde looks around inside her purse and mistakes her mirror for the license. When she hands it to the blonde officer, he looks at it and replies, "Oh, I didn't know you were also an officer. You can go!"

 
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too many to count.
One day, a blonde was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' she cried.

''Honey, Put the Frosties back in the box!''
Q: Why do blondes take birth control pills?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
A blonde goes into a laundrette and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
 
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile rang.
It was her husband, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde.
"There's f*ck*ng hundreds of them!"
 
Q: What’s the difference between a smart blonde and a unicorn?

A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters.
Blondes are like lava lamps, Nice to look at and not too bright.
What did the blonde girl do after she drank 8 cans of Coke ?
She burped 7up.
 

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
 

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
Five
one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.
 

 

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Blonde Video

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: a shopping cart has a mind of its own.
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?
They drowned during spring training.
A blonde tried to blow up her husband's car, but burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles
A blonde walked into a hairdresser with headphones on and said to the hairdresser, "Do anything with my hair, but don't take the earphones off".

So the hairdresser started to cut but was finding it pretty difficult, so he thinks "What could happen if I took the headphones off?", and he took them off. The blonde dropped dead straight away.

"Oh My gosh" said the hairdresser, puzzled. "What is so special about these headphones?" and he put them on.

Out of the headphones she heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."
 

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
A young Blonde girl walks into a chemists, picks up a box of Tampax and proceeds to the counter. The man at the counter asks how old she is.
"Eight," the girl replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for ?"
"Not exactly," the girl says. "But I saw on TV that if you use these you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now I can't do either."
 
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: Have another beer
Pregnant ?

Blondes & Cows are both so stupid, that's why god made them so tasty.!!!

A redhead decides to show her blonde friend a trick.
"You put your hand on a wall and ask someone to punch it," she says. "But before they do, you pull your hand away."
"That is a cool trick," thinks the blonde, and tries desperately to remember it.
The next day she decides to try it out on another blonde friend.
"Okay," she says, "I'm going to put my hand in front of my face..."

Two blondes were walking down the sidewalk.
The first blonde said, "Hey, look at that dog with one eye,"
so the second blonde covered up one eye.

Blonde Drivers
1 2 3 4

 

Blonde In Library

 
It was the Blonde teacher's birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."
 

Educated Blonde

A blonde with two burnt ears goes to the doctor, who asks what has happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."

 

Random Jokes

THE BLIND MAN

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

Life with a woman is like a pack of cards, you need a ♥ to love one, you need a ♦ to marry one, you need ♣ to beat her, and a ♠ to bury the bitch!
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is a non-blonde and strikingly beautiful (lol). Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."
A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''
What do you call two guys sitting on a window sill? Curt 'n' Rod
Q: Why is marriage a three-ring circus?
A: First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then the suffering.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.
After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office
and asked them to disperse. "But why?, they asked, as they moved
off.
"Because," he said,"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer."
 
A primary school teacher starts a new job on Merseyside. Hoping to make a good impression, she tells her class she is a Liverpool fan and asks the students to raise their hands if they too support the Reds. Everyone raises his or her hand apart from one girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Let me guess, Mary, you support Everton, right?"
"Nope, I support Manchester United." Mary replies.
The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"
"Because my Mum and Dad are from Manchester, and they both support United."
"Well," says the teacher. "That's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to copy your parents. What if your mother was a prostitute, and your father was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"I'd be a Liverpool fan."
 
Four fonts walk into a bar.
Barman says: "Oi! Get out! We don't want your type in here!"
 
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A chocolate baaaaaaa

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

   

Strange

   
         
Q: What's all brown and sticky?
A: A stick
Christmas Eve, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away - Darth Vader turns to his son, Luke Skywalker, and breaths: "Luke, Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas."
"But how?" asks Luke, astonished and concerned.
"Luke," replies the evil Emperor. "I can feel your presents..."
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
A: Snowballs
 
Q: What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
A: Roberto.
 
Q: What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder
 
Q: Did you hear about the magician who had to postpone his show?
A: He had just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.
 
A tortoise was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. Afterwards a policeman asked the tortoise what happened. The tortoise replied with a confused look on his face: "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
 
"What's the point of going out? We're just going to end up back here anyway?"
 
Q: Why do elephants drink?
A: To forget
     


What do retired people do all day??

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi bastard.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a sh*t-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

 

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

         
 



*A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.



She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.



The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes.'



The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.



Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'



The woman said, 'That's okay.'



For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.



The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.



The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'



So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!



For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.



The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'



The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is
mine.'



So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!



The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like

a mild
heart attack.'



Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

**

Attention female readers** : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here
and continue feeling good.

**

Male readers** :
Please scroll down.



...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

..

...

...

...

....

...

...

...

...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

**

Moral of the story** : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.**



**

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that
women never listen**...

now run along and put the kettle on, there's a
love.*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied,
"Cus you're ugly"

 
How many men does it take to open a beer? 
None. It should be opened when she brings it. 
 
   

Which Is Worse,
Ignorance or Apathy ?

I don't know & I don't care

   
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
 
Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 
 
         
 
How do you know when 
a woman is about to say something smart? 
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
     
   
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
   
Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis revealing the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were given 6 cans of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.